elody Thomas Scott has been doing interviews since she joined the cast of The Young and the Restless 41 years ago. But in all that time, there were dreadful secrets from her early life that she never shared. Now, in Always Young and Restless: My Life on and Off America’s #1 Daytime Drama, the daytime star reveals shocking details about her childhood.

Scott first sat down to write the tell-all 10 years ago, but discovered it was no easy task when her past came back to haunt her.

“I was getting panic attacks and agoraphobic attacks, so I knew I wasn’t ready,” she tells Parade.com. “My literary agent and my family, they all knew that I had a book in me. My husband said, ‘Hey, what’s going on with that book, Mel?’ and I said, ‘I had to take a pause.’ I did that a few times and I finally woke up one day, sat up in bed, and I turned to my husband and I said, ‘I’m ready.’ And I was.”

The result is a candid discussion of the early years of abuse she suffered under the care of her grandmother, who raised her after she was abandoned by her mother, and of the sexual assault she endured at the hands of more than one man, which her grandmother was aware of.

“That is my biggest stumbling block in trying to learn forgiveness where she is concerned,” Scott says, “because to me, if an adult in charge of a child witnesses that and doesn’t stop it, that is just evil. I don’t know that I will ever be able to forgive evil.”

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According to her description, Scott grew up in a home that could have appeared on an episode of Hoarders with trash and roaches in abundance. And even as a child she recognized that that wasn’t how other people lived. So, her quest in life became to find “normal,” which she did in bits and pieces as a child actress after her grandmother, who never was able to achieve her own career, pushed Scott into acting at the tender age of three.

“I knew I wasn’t living the life of a normal little girl at home, but I could go to a soundstage and play the part of a normal little girl, so that gave me a great respite,” she says. “I wanted to live on a soundstage; I never wanted to go home, because the crew and the cast treated me so sweetly and it was so much fun. I wasn’t getting any of that at home. I think that was the beginning of my fascination of being an actress in that it gave me what I was searching for and couldn’t find in real life.”

Scott also credits that need for normal as one of the reasons she has stayed on the soap for four decades. It became the family she never had.

“Absolutely,” she agrees. “Our cast and crew are family. I know people say that about a lot of shows and it may not be true, but it is absolutely true with us. I desperately craved that and it gave me a sense of community, along with all the other blessings in my life. I drive a better car, I wear nicer clothes, so the financial benefit was, of course, wonderful. And I met my husband through this show. I had my children because of this show, so it really impacted my life a great deal more than other actors who are lucky enough to get on a show.”

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Scott did eventually manage to escape her grandmother’s care. She finally could afford to move out when she was 20, but, as mentioned previously, to this day, she still hasn’t found forgiveness in her heart, even though in readings with such recognized mediums as John Edwards and George Anderson, her late grandmother has asked her for it.

“She always says the same thing now that she’s on the other side,” Scott continues. “She sees how horrible it must have been for me to have been in her charge and she is asking me for forgiveness. She is constantly asking me for forgiveness, and I have yet to go along with that. I always say, ‘No. No. No. No.’”

Forgiveness may not be in her, but in retrospect, Scott says growing up in the environment she did helped her develop inner strength, because she had to find the wherewithal to fight her grandmother. And as she got older, they did have some hum-dinger battles, because Scott says she found it frustrating to try to argue with a person who is not rational.

“If she had gone to a doctor and gotten a diagnosis, I know she would have been borderline personality,” Scott insists. “They are prone to start screaming at just about anything. You tiptoe around the house.” She continues, “In order to contend with her, I had to become very strong and patient, which is very hard for me because I am an Aries, I am not patient.”

She concludes, “It gave me resilience, that’s for sure.”

Always Young and Restless: My Life on and Off America’s #1 Daytime Drama is in bookstores today. The Young and the Restless airs weekdays on CBS.

Every time things look dire for her, fans wonder, is Nikki leaving THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS? But the iconic character has been through so much in her life and bounced back every time, so there’s no reason to think the trend won’t continue! Nikki was first introduced in 1978, played by Erica Hope. In 1979, the role was recast with Melody Thomas Scott, who has portrayed the beleaguered heroine ever since.

Introduced alongside her sister, Casey, Nikki Reed killed her abusive father, Nick, in self-defense after he drunkenly tried to rape her. During the trial, Nikki dated Paul Williams, but they split after he gave her a sexually transmitted disease. She then dated and married Greg Foster. Nikki was signed to a modeling agency that was really a prostitution ring. She left town and joined the New World Commune, which turned out to be a cult. Nikki eventually returned to Genoa City and became a stripper. She dated Kevin Bancroft, who left her when he believed she’d starred in a porno movie.

While stripping, Nikki had a fling with Victor Newman and got pregnant with his child. After she gave birth to Victoria Newman, Victor left Lorie Brooks and Nikki and Victor were married in 1984. Things were going fine until he had an affair with Ashley Abbott and Nikki found herself drawn to Jack Abbott. Nikki schemed to split the pair up but Victor ended up leaving Ashley himself when he learned she’d aborted his child. Nikki gave birth to another of Victor’s children, Nicholas Newman, but he dumped her believing she’d been involved in writing a tell-all biography about him.

After learning Leanna Love had written the book, Victor tried to win Nikki back but she and Jack married out of spite. But their marriage was troubled and after she miscarried his child in a riding accident, Nikki fell into a depression and became addicted to painkillers. She got pregnant again, but this time the baby was stillborn and Jack and Nikki ended their marriage. She was devastated to believe Victor had died and surprised when he returned to town with Hope Adams on his arm. Nikki had gotten engaged to Brad Carlton in the meantime but when Victor was shot on their wedding day, Nikki left Brad at the altar to be with him.

Victor chose to be with Hope, so Nikki married her doctor, Joshua Landers. But he was killed by his ex-wife, Veronica, who also shot Nikki. Although he’d married Diane Jenkins, Victor divorced her so he could re-marry Nikki on her deathbed. Obviously, Nikki recovered, and they learned their marriage wasn’t valid. Eventually, Victor was able to divorce Diane and remarry Nikki properly.

Following her kidnapping, Nikki suffered PTSD and began an affair with Bobby Marsino. She also ran against Jack for Wisconsin state senate, but her affair with campaign manager David Chow not only cost her the seat but also her marriage. Nikki briefly took over as CEO of Jabot and married David only to find out he wasn’t who he claimed to be. He and Victor’s wife, Sabrina, were killed in a car accident, and Nikki got involved with Paul again. They were nearly married, but she broke things off and left town with Victor after he recovered from the hart transplant he received after being shot by Patty Williams.

Nikki returned engaged to Victor, and Meggie McClaine and Deacon Sharpe schemed to knock her off the wagon. Believing Meggie and Victor were married, Nikki had an affair with Deacon, but she dumped him when she learned he was the reason she’d started drinking again. She wanted to get back with Victor, but he’d returned to Diane so Nikki fell into the bottle and eventually went back to rehab.

Victor was jailed for Diane’s murder, so Nikki came home to help and remembered that she had been the one to kill her. But the full truth was that it had been in self-defense and that Deacon was actually the one who had finished the job. Nikki then found herself back with Jack, and they eventually remarried. That same day, Victor married Sharon Newman and then disappeared. Nikki went searching for him, so Jack realized where her heart truly lay and they divorced. When Victor returned, he and Nikki reunited, but their marriage was delayed when she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

Finally remarried to Victor, Nikki was shocked to learn that Dylan McAvoy was the long-lost son she’d given birth to during her days with the New World Commune. Although she initially feared cult leader Ian Ward was the babydaddy, it turned out Dylan’s father was actually Paul. Nikki began drinking again and accidentally hit Christine with her car, causing her to lose her baby. Nikki and Victor’s marriage was strained by various family dramas and Nick was shocked to discover his mother was having an affair with Arturo Rosales, even more so to learn that Nikki and Victor had decided to try having an open marriage!

Eventually, Nikki and Victor decided to commit to each other again, but their happiness was short-lived as their daughter, Victoria, was being abused by ex-husband, J.T. Hellstrom. J.T. attacked Victor, landing him in the hospital, and when he tried to hurt Victoria, Nikki hit him over the head with a fireplace poker! Nikki, Victoria, Sharon, and Phyllis tried to cover up their crime and dispose of the body, but evidence was discovered that turned the missing person’s case into a murder investigation.

The pressure of hiding their crime and being blackmailed for it by Tessa Porter pushed Nikki over the edge and she began drinking again. After the Jabot holiday party, she stumbled out into the snowstorm and was hit by a car driven by Reed! Thankfully, she pulled through and was overjoyed when Victor returned to care for her. Unfortunately, her husband got arrested for J.T.’s murder and Nikki tried to save him by confessing to the crime herself! She was put on trial alongside Sharon and Victoria (Phyllis struck a deal with Christine to turn over evidence in exchange for safety) and despite Michael’s best efforts, Nikki was found guilty and sentenced to 30 years behind bars! Thankfully, J.T. turned out to be very much alive and after Nikki and the other women were rescued from him, they were finally free.

Nikki is often the backbone of the Newman family, helping keep them going through tough times like when Victoria was stabbed and suffered severe emotional distress. She even extended an olive branch to longtime rival Sharon to help support her as she battled breast cancer.

Nikki accepted Victoria’s offer to become Newman’s COO, and Victor warned she would eventually have to pick a side. When Nikki overheard Billy plotting against Adam with Victoria, she urged Lily to stop Billy from taking revenge. She also stepped in at Sharon’s request to talk to Faith Newman about her drinking. She also reluctantly supported Victoria’s decision to merge companies with Ashland Locke and also marry the guy! And when she later expressed her suspicions of Ashland’s motives, Victoria shut her mother down. But when it was revealed that Ashland had faked having cancer to manipulate Victoria and get his hands on Newman, Nikki and the rest of the family rallied to support Victoria and drive Ashland out!

Nikki was stunned when Diane turned up alive and worked with Phyllis and Ashley to try and uncover her secrets from her time in Los Angeles to get her out of their lives again. They got a journalist to expose Diane’s secrets, but were disappointed when the series was canceled after just one article. Nikki flew to Los Angeles to meet with Deacon and quiz her about Diane which led to them discovering her connection to Tucker. Nikki and Ashley reconsidered contacting Jeremy Stark to tell him where he could find Diane because the guy was too dangerous and they were concerned when Phyllis did it anyway. When Jeremy was arrested for stealing Nikki’s necklace, she immediately suspected Jack and Diane of setting him up. Nikki helped organize the Genoa City bicentennial gala and threw a very successful party until Jack and Diane announced their engagement and Phyllis collapsed, later dying on the way to the hospital! (Thankfully, she was just faking her death…)

At Newman, Nikki objected when Victoria made the move to oust Nick and his team to move Nate Hastings up the ladder at the company. She questioned their relationship and warned Nate not to hurt her daughter. Although suspicious of Audra Charles’ motives, she and Victor helped her foil Adam’s attempts to blackmail her. Victor then appointed Nikki CEO of Newman Media with Audra reporting to her as COO. When Nikki learned that Audra was sleeping with Kyle, she told her to back off if she wanted to keep her job and ultimately forced her to fire the Abbott.

When Victor began having memory lapses, Nikki worried until he confided to her it was all part of a scheme to flush out the traitor at Newman. Believing it a cruel trick to play on his children, Nikki eventually forced him to admit the truth. And while she had suspected Adam would be the one to turn on the family, it turned out to be Nate! Nikki also hired a new assistant, Claire Grace, who was determined to become a model employee but was really luring Nikki into her trap!

Stay tuned to Y&R to see how her story continues!